Too hard, don’t care

So it has come to my attention (more that I have been avoiding thinking  about it since early December) that my college end date is in the beginning of February and the chances of me getting an extension is squat as I am more than 60% behind and I haven’t been send in assessments frequently enough.  This led me to think ‘is this right for me?’.  Questioning weather or not I enjoy the course is a rough one, especially considering I suffer from depression and differentiating between disinterest and brain fog is hard on the best of days.

Following that process I did the rounds asking people for their opinions (which is stupid as I am the only person who can decide weather I stay or go) and one of my friend told me essentially to harden the fuck up but not in those words.  He told me not to use any more excuses and just do what I feel passionate about or something that could build up to it.  So, after 10 mins of crying uncontrollably at the front door as it rained outside, having my own little pity party with 4o0 thousand tissues as the guests, I composed myself and returned to my seat to discuss it further but delicately as to not set off the waterfalls down my face and try to stop myself from falling into depressions “I Hate Myself, I Give Up” phase.

One other thing he told me rang true.  I tell the kids on Autcraft every single day that they can achieve anything they set their minds and hearts to and that hard work pays off and to ALWAYS help yourself, don’t just shrug yourself off thinking you are not worth it.  I’m a hypocrite with that and have been for a long time. When I was working I always let husband buy things and wouldn’t by me  anything big or expensive or nice because I didn’t feel it worth it, that his big expensive purchases were more important because he cannot work.  The words are true, you should always put yourself first sometimes because otherwise you’ll find yourself burnt out and miserable.  I just need to work out how to do that for myself.

The hardest thing I suppose to wrap my head around is that you always see parents helping their kids with the thing they are especially good at, weather it be music, science, animals, hard labour, picking their nose and making a castle of snot, no matter what it is kids you see all over seem  to have some sort of passion they enjoy doing AND they are good at it.  I was one of the small percentage that wasn’t like that.  I never had something I particularly excelled at.. I was good at lots but not awesome at one thing.  Jack of all trades I used to say.

Now as an adult I have the world at my palms really, I have exceptional people skills (when I’m not depressed or wanting to hide at home which is most of the time now) which usually can get one anywhere, but after 12 months of job searching and not getting a single good bite or a job, doubting myself is hard to shake off with each rejection.  Each time is more and more of a kick in the guts as its not just “applying for jobs” any more you need to research the role and company to just survive interviews now.

No, I don’t want to, it’s too hard, do I have to, I’d rather stay at home, it’s too far, it’s too heavy, it’s too much, what if I don’t like it, what if they don’t like me, I’m not sure, I just want to play games, I want to go home, why me, I’m useless, who’d want me anyway – depression is tough

So back to college… If I quit it means I have to tell mum and she’d kill me, It’ll mean I’ve given up on yet another course… however in saying that I have been telling myself for years that there is no harm in learning, weather you finish with or without the degree unless you plan on making a full-time job out of it, is pointless anyway BUT weather I believe that is a whole other story… but if I stay then I have to try to finish something I don’t think I want to any more, why spend all the time and money on a course that I don’t enjoy.  I walked into this course with the wish to become some wiz-bang web developer who can work form home but I am rapidly discovering that I just don’t like to code, full stop.

So, if I go on another wave of attempting to do what I want to do rather than do things to get by, can someone tell me how to deal if it doesn’t work out because it will feel once again something like a firm kick to the balls (if I had some, being female and all).  Most of my dreams have done that to me from owning a business to job searching for a great job in shoes or handbags.

Shame there isn’t some miracle cure for this, wait, there is.. it’s called confidence.  Once someone finds mine can you post it back to me in Zillmere please, thanks.

2015 – what a way to start

So, how did your new year start.  Well mine was being pissed off that in Brisbane they don’t televise our fireworks so I listened to it on the radio.. then after I went to bed woke an hour later with a pannic attack and husband with food poisoning… hahaha GREAT start to the year.

I have one friend who I think has made the best new years resolution.. to go on the juice diet.  I can hear you moaning from here “diets are stupid, they are money making schemes designed to make you sick”.. well not this one.  I watched this video on youtube http://youtu.be/-XDSpuMIMPs (video doesn’t allow embedding) and quite frankly after doing the research (scientific, not just reading websites) about the nutrients in the different fruits and what the body needs to function like protein, vit a, b, c, iron etc, for some people that could really work.  It is about an Australian man who travels around the US giving it a try and by the end you’ll be so surprised.

I haven’t made any concrete resolutions yet  I do have some floating around in my mind however.

For one I am cutting crap again like last year, so going through facebook or just not using it at all unless I have to.  I logged in this morning to read posts and posts about backstabbing, miscommunication, misunderstandings, racism, cruelty and other things where people take any chance to take a dig at someone or refuse to understand what that person was saying in the first place.

Another one is to loose a little weight.  I dislike my spare tyre that is growing around my waist and thighs.. I might buy a bike.

Am rethinking college too.  Does programming really interest me?  Not sure hey.  Need to really think about it and work out what I want because right now I have 0 motivation to do anything and I don’t think I can blame depression any more for it.  Dunno.  Will see.

Christmas was good…. exhausting but good.  Spend xmas day at the inlaws relaxing and chatting and eating my weight in food…. explains the spare tyre.

Anyway, I hope 2015 is a good year for you.  2014 was full of .. welll .. it was a shit year, lol

fireworks

Flowers, Rain, Valium and Wool.. green tree wool

Is now the 11th of December, we are between one storm and another.  I’m already over the storm season.  Loving the warm but over the storms.  Had to take 2 valium and curl up in front of the pc doing crochet to ride out the last one.. the next one due in the next hour I would hazard a guess and possibly just as scary for me.  Oh my poor nerves.

Let me explain what it is like.  First you become a little nervous, we all know what that is like right .. well imagine that getting worse with every thunder clap, gradually becoming so bad you can’t help but shake all over.  You feel like you have skulled 4 energy drinks in one go and are running on that energetic high.  Stomach is in knots, bladder and bowel wanting to evac constantly and your brain working at a cool 400 miles per hour, all sorts of thoughts ripping through your mind from scary thoughts that won’t leave you alone to random things that you just blurt out as you slowly loose control and struggle.  Sometimes it can be so bad you sit, curled up in your safety space or where you feel the safest, to terrified to stand, move, touch certain things.

That’s just a glimpse of what an anxiety attack / fear is like.  Not a funny matter.

So I made these green Christmas trees with wool in crochet.  They are cute little things that I would just love to sell.  They are small, couple of inches tall to be used as tree ornaments.

I was using the pattern from an awesome youtube video I found https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DgPXR0AD_NU

Also, taken some new photographs of our garden lately.  Here’s a sample..

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