The Anti Depressant

I open the box, attempting to pronounce the Latin name, failing miserably at wrapping my tongue around the 7 syllable in the word.  The trays are marked out for 2 weeks of pills.  Monday to Sunday, Monday to Sunday.  The little foil tray glistens in the midday sun as we drive off in the car.  Flipping it over I see they are pink .. very feminine .. and square.  Who the hell makes square everyday tablets.  Taking a deep breath I pop one out, return the tray to the box, knock the pill back with a few mouthfuls of water and sit back feeling nervous about the days ahead.

2 weeks they tell me.  the symptoms can last for 2 weeks after taking the initial tablet and after then the body settles.  The first day felt like a week on its own.

First I became chatty.  Not a hour after taking it I talked, alot… ok more than my usual ‘alot’.  Poor husband had to listen to me natter all day.  I even rang mum later that night and talked constantly on the phone.  I’m very surprised I din’t have a sore throat right now.  It wasn’t a hyper feeling, just as if I had 10 years of talking to catch up on.

Then a few hours later whilst we were food shopping I noticed my neck was stiff and I felt nauseas.  This slowly lead me into pressure discomfort in the head.  Made food shopping interesting because I kept walking into things and believe me, feeling like you’re going to throw up whilst food shopping isn’t an easy feat.

The best way to accurately describe what you head feels .. is ‘weird’.  There are no other words. Imagine if you like, having really bad congestion in your head .. like the flu.  Body aches, numbness, the whole shebang.  Combine that with feeling like you aren’t slept in 3 days, take out the ACTUAL congestion and runny nose and that is kinda how it is.  Disoriented, dizzy, nauseas, sleepy, heavy headed.

That feeling came and went all day.  Some hours I was fine, the next I felt like a truck had hit me, then the next I was fine again.  Slept like a rock tho.

This morning is a different story.  Woke up at half past 8 after just 6 hours of sleep and wasn’t able to get back to sleep.  I tossed, I turned, I wasn’t comfortable in any position.  Out came Facebook.  Flicking through my feed my lids were struggling to stay open.  Yawning was frequent so the phone went down and I tried again …… Nope.   No sleep.  I just tossed and turned.  The neck started to ache and I was becoming anxious, definitely time to get up.

Standing up to pee I find my legs are weak, in fact my whole body is weak.  I shuffle to the toilet to pee then make my way around the house to open the doors and check on husband.  My hands are shaking a fair bit and I feel famished, as if I haven’t eaten in a week.  I decide that the shaking and feeling weak is probably more hunger than tablet.

I’ve taken today’s tablet and every yawn is almost painful.  I’m so sleepy but the body won’t sleep if I lay down.  The shaking has stopped now I have eaten breakfast but I still feel wrong.  Got to go out later and do the lawn as well, might go take a lay down and see if I can get some more shut-eye.

Here’s hoping for an easier day two and three.  I can’t wait for this to settle.

Driving Colours with 1.8 Crafting Anxieties

I know, I know, that title makes like NO sense at all… to anyone.  But once you have read this post you will understand.

First things first, I FINALLY got my Learners Licence!  Something I never ever thought I’d be able to do for a long time because financially the money has had to go onto other things that to be honest were more important like medications, things to keep the car on the road, food etc.  I had to crowd-fund to get it which has left me feeling a little beaten up.. but only because I was brought up to live off your own earnings, not other peoples but quite frankly it has come to a point in our lives where I need to drive for safety reasons and our income simply doesn’t support us enough to let me get one.. It would take me over a year of saving, meaning NO takeout whatsoever… not even a bottle of coke.. meaning NO extras, no magazines, books, movies.. cutting back on food even more than we currently are, cutting back on medications which we already have to do now etc… and that’s only to save the $200 ish to get the learners.

I went through a company called Go Fund Me.  They support personal crowd-funding and it is free to an extent.  They keep a wee little percentage of what you earn.. so it is a no bills system.  They money they transfer to your bank is minus their fees.  They work around the idea that you use your contacts, your email, your friends to help you get what you need.  So you can share to your social networks, they can send email to those in your email contact lists, the have widgets for websites, links for you to share etc.  I am still to this day floored at everyone’s generosity, especially those at Autcraft who donated to me even though they do not know me in real life.

I would like to thank all donators, the team at GoFundMe.com, Stuart Duncan and my husband Rodney for their support and the little push that helped me take that step out of my comfort zone that I have lived in for so long with my depression and anxieties.

10801767_10153175738645832_8613897892149379999_n

Secondly, with this new found freedom and motivation I want to start eating better… well attempt to at least :D

It isn’t easy because I HATE cooking with every fibre in my body, it’s tough to buy fresh in this country because of the price and as we both suffer from depression often cooking is something we just don’t feel like doing… even reparation of food to make it easier when it comes to dinner time is a rare thing I feel like doing.  And no, the motivation to feel and eat better isn’t strong enough.

So what I have done is made the following my computer background, set as a reminder to at least consume one of each colour every day.

BAckgroundInspiration

I’m not a vegetable person, I do not like vegetables all that much, especially cooked ones.  I do keep raw carrots in the fridge to eat as snacks and love frozen peas etc. but generally if I cook vegetables, they get put I things where I can no longer taste them.  Lately I have been buying a bag of mixed frozen so at least I’m getting a variety even if they are chopped up small.  I have just under a week until shopping day so I plan on sitting down and working out what I can eat as snacks that doesn’t involve preparation, that ins’t expensive and that helps me be healthier.. i feel for my body some days *I say as I drink a can of Mother energy drink and chomp on salt and vinegar chips*

Autcraft has updated to 1.8 …. WOOHOO!!  The kids are LOVING it so much, the bunnies are a complete hit!  Given we are still working on getting the mingames back and live, otherwise she was a smooth transition with only a couple of hiccups.  The name changes are becoming a headache for us but I only think that is because we are still working on so much, it’s just another thing to have to work with as it has it’s own set of complications like some not all chests with lockette are changing and enjin of course doesn’t support it well so we are playing tech support for that also.  The new blocks are now available in game but you can also buy them in the 1.8 package that you can buy with the points earned on the website and in game.

And lastly, just a few links I found that describe what I go through on a daily basis, what I live with and possibly might for a long time to come.  I suffer from Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Diagnosed Panic Disorder, Nocturnal Panic Attacks and Obsessive Irrational Thoughts.  It sounds like a-lot but once you have a bit of a grasp on them and can identify your triggers you can learn to live with it and slowly learn to combat it also.. in your own time.

Here are some informational links to educate you a little more on what each is and what it feels like.

GAD: http://www.itsjustafeeling.co.uk/general_anxiety_disorder

PD: http://www.itsjustafeeling.co.uk/panic_disorder

NPA: http://www.itsjustafeeling.co.uk/nocturnal_panic_attacks

OIT: http://www.itsjustafeeling.co.uk/obsessive_thoughts

nervous-gifIs what I felt like when waiting in line to take the test for my Learners Driving Permit…

And this is how I felt afterwards:

gif-happy-danceExcept that y’know, I’m a girl not a boy :D  TTFN everyone.

 

Too hard, don’t care

So it has come to my attention (more that I have been avoiding thinking  about it since early December) that my college end date is in the beginning of February and the chances of me getting an extension is squat as I am more than 60% behind and I haven’t been send in assessments frequently enough.  This led me to think ‘is this right for me?’.  Questioning weather or not I enjoy the course is a rough one, especially considering I suffer from depression and differentiating between disinterest and brain fog is hard on the best of days.

Following that process I did the rounds asking people for their opinions (which is stupid as I am the only person who can decide weather I stay or go) and one of my friend told me essentially to harden the fuck up but not in those words.  He told me not to use any more excuses and just do what I feel passionate about or something that could build up to it.  So, after 10 mins of crying uncontrollably at the front door as it rained outside, having my own little pity party with 4o0 thousand tissues as the guests, I composed myself and returned to my seat to discuss it further but delicately as to not set off the waterfalls down my face and try to stop myself from falling into depressions “I Hate Myself, I Give Up” phase.

One other thing he told me rang true.  I tell the kids on Autcraft every single day that they can achieve anything they set their minds and hearts to and that hard work pays off and to ALWAYS help yourself, don’t just shrug yourself off thinking you are not worth it.  I’m a hypocrite with that and have been for a long time. When I was working I always let husband buy things and wouldn’t by me  anything big or expensive or nice because I didn’t feel it worth it, that his big expensive purchases were more important because he cannot work.  The words are true, you should always put yourself first sometimes because otherwise you’ll find yourself burnt out and miserable.  I just need to work out how to do that for myself.

The hardest thing I suppose to wrap my head around is that you always see parents helping their kids with the thing they are especially good at, weather it be music, science, animals, hard labour, picking their nose and making a castle of snot, no matter what it is kids you see all over seem  to have some sort of passion they enjoy doing AND they are good at it.  I was one of the small percentage that wasn’t like that.  I never had something I particularly excelled at.. I was good at lots but not awesome at one thing.  Jack of all trades I used to say.

Now as an adult I have the world at my palms really, I have exceptional people skills (when I’m not depressed or wanting to hide at home which is most of the time now) which usually can get one anywhere, but after 12 months of job searching and not getting a single good bite or a job, doubting myself is hard to shake off with each rejection.  Each time is more and more of a kick in the guts as its not just “applying for jobs” any more you need to research the role and company to just survive interviews now.

No, I don’t want to, it’s too hard, do I have to, I’d rather stay at home, it’s too far, it’s too heavy, it’s too much, what if I don’t like it, what if they don’t like me, I’m not sure, I just want to play games, I want to go home, why me, I’m useless, who’d want me anyway – depression is tough

So back to college… If I quit it means I have to tell mum and she’d kill me, It’ll mean I’ve given up on yet another course… however in saying that I have been telling myself for years that there is no harm in learning, weather you finish with or without the degree unless you plan on making a full-time job out of it, is pointless anyway BUT weather I believe that is a whole other story… but if I stay then I have to try to finish something I don’t think I want to any more, why spend all the time and money on a course that I don’t enjoy.  I walked into this course with the wish to become some wiz-bang web developer who can work form home but I am rapidly discovering that I just don’t like to code, full stop.

So, if I go on another wave of attempting to do what I want to do rather than do things to get by, can someone tell me how to deal if it doesn’t work out because it will feel once again something like a firm kick to the balls (if I had some, being female and all).  Most of my dreams have done that to me from owning a business to job searching for a great job in shoes or handbags.

Shame there isn’t some miracle cure for this, wait, there is.. it’s called confidence.  Once someone finds mine can you post it back to me in Zillmere please, thanks.